Behind the War: Despair and Family
by Kohaku-chan
Summary: Wufei's colony is gone, how will he deal with his grief and will he let his friends help him?


Archive: I am archived but if you want to archive this please ask first so I know where it is. Pairings: None? Friendship  
  
Warnings: pilot angst, insights, humor  
  
Spoilers: GW series, Episode Zero  
  
Notes:  
  
This story is part of an on-going arc called 'Behind the War', it is NOT necessary that you have read any of the other fics as each is a standalone fic, in fact they can be read in any order unless otherwise noted. The idea behind 'Behind the War' is that an event or scene (brief or long) from the series is used as the basis of the story and the story goes behind the scenes to reveal what wasn't shown on screen. Or rather a possibility since it isn't canon. There are probably errors in the timeline of this fic, but I am working on the basis that not everything thing they did, everywhere they went and each time they met was known to us. Still this version of the story has been revised a little.  
  
Summary: Wufei's colony has been destroyed, how will he deal with his grief and will he let his friends help? I'm assuming Trowa was still missing in action when Wufei's colony was destroyed. I don't know for sure.  
  
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L1 Colony Cluster  
  
Quatre stared pensively out the window of their current safe house, watching his reclusive friend. He worried about the Chinese boy; he'd been even more withdrawn than usual, failing to respond even to Duo's baited attempts at drawing him out. He knew Duo shared his concern for their friend.  
  
It was understandable he supposed, Wufei had just lost his entire family, his childhood friends and his home, of course he wasn't going to be himself. It would be natural for him to be angry and hurting over his loss, even feeling guilty. But then, Quatre realized, that was the problem.  
  
Wufei had shown no visible sign of emotion, or emotions of any kind, since just after it all happened. When his colony had exploded the warrior had raged and cried over the deaths of everyone he ever loved and shortly after that he had cut communications with the other 3 pilots - Trowa was still missing - and when they individually arrived at a house they'd deemed safe in order to regroup he had immediately disappeared into the room he claimed as his own with a toneless "I don't want to be disturbed". He hadn't spoken a word to any of them since then and that had been a week ago.  
  
But at least Wufei wasn't hiding himself away in his room, most of his time was spent practicing his kata forms and with his sword. But even that didn't set Quatre and Duo's minds at ease, though it seemed to appease Heero.  
  
Duo had expressed concern over Wufei to the others and had been angered when Heero had responded by saying Wufei would be fine, he was already getting back to normal and he'd work things out on his own. So now Duo wasn't speaking to Heero. Quatre remembered Duo had accused the pilot of being in human, asking the Zero pilot 'how could he honestly expect Wufei to be okay when he had just lost his whole world? Didn't he have any idea what that could do to a person?'  
  
So now that left just Quatre for him to talk to and Duo had stepped up his efforts at trying to get Wufei to say something, even if it was just, "shut up", but even under normal circumstances Wufei's patience seemed to never run out. Privately Quatre feared that the longer Wufei stayed silent the more likely he was to go mad, and that was an experience he desperately wished to spare his friend from. He was also relieved that Heero had been called out on a mission yesterday; the tension in the house had immediately dropped to a more manageable level.  
  
Duo joined him at the window. "Look at him, it's like he's on auto-pilot, just going through the motions out of habit and routine." Quatre agreed, glancing at Duo's reflection in the window.  
  
"He's not even concentrating on what he's doing, there's no energy to his movements and the grace that he used to have is completely gone. I'm afraid he's going to slip with his sword and hurt himself." Quatre paused and turned his eyes back to Wufei. "I don't feel anything coming from him, it's like a void inside his heart, but I sense that he's close to the breaking point." Quatre said, rubbing his hand over his heart.  
  
Suddenly Wufei stumbled in his form and stopped, dropping his hands and the sword to his sides, just staring ahead of him. "Umm I think that point is now Quatre." Duo turned and started for the backdoor.  
  
At that moment Wufei blindly threw the sword away from him in a sudden violent burst of energy, the blade unfortunately flew towards the windows Duo and Quatre were standing in. Duo didn't see it, but Quatre did and shouted, "Duck!" pushing Duo to the floor and landing beside him as the sword shattered the pane and covered the room in glass, they stood up slowly and shook off the small bits of glass that clung to their clothes and hair. Unaware of anything else Wufei fell to his knees, his head thrown back, and screamed with all the pain and anger he was feeling inside, his hands clenched tightly at his sides. Both Quatre and Duo took a step back from the window, shocked and shaken.  
  
Stunned they took in the damage to the window and spied Wufei's broadsword lying on the floor amongst the broken glass. Snapping out of it, Quatre and Duo leapt through the now glassless window and raced towards Wufei.  
  
Wufei fell forward onto his hands and sat back on his heels, his head bowed and tears streaked down his cheeks from eyes that seemed unaware. Gentle hands descended on his shoulders and he shuddered away from the contact, but Quatre was determined not to let Wufei push them away and put his hand on Wufei's shoulder, not restraining him in anyway but letting Wufei know that he was there.  
  
Duo dropped to the grass in front of Wufei, the familiar braid came into Wufei's view but he ignored it. A firm but kind hand took hold of his chin tipping his head up and he looked at Duo with unseeing eyes. Duo gasped at the completely empty look in the Chinese pilots unfocused eyes.  
  
"Oh Wufei..." Duo gazed at his friend sadly then looked at Quatre.  
  
"He's lost inside himself, he shut himself off so completely. We have to bring him back, if we don't... he could stay like this." Quatre said quietly, he slid his arm across Wufei's shoulders and pulled his unresisting body against his chest enfolding the boy in the protective circle of his arms. Wufei didn't even blink.  
  
"Wufei, please...you have to come back." Duo begged the Asian teen. "We're not going to let you leave us 'Fei. I won't let you leave me!" He moved closer to Wufei and Quatre, picking up one of Wufei's lax hands, holding it tight in his own as though afraid Wufei was going to disappear if he wasn't holding onto him.  
  
Quatre began speaking softly. "I know it feels like they abandoned you Wufei, I felt the same way when my father was killed, he knew what would happen if he took that satellite, he chose to die. He chose to leave me. I was angry with him for that, and I was angry at the colony for taking him away from me. And I resented that I would never be able to make peace with my father. I had never been able to please him or make him proud of me. You have to understand that he didn't want me to be a Gundam pilot, but I had too, I *had* to do this, so I defied him again and I began to train with Instructor H to pilot Sandrock. After that father wouldn't talk to me." He closed his eyes briefly.  
  
"I had always thought that I was nothing, that I held no value to anyone, it would have been so easy for my father to make himself another son... I hated him for that. I was spoiled, selfish, didn't care about anyone but myself but also lonely and I was determined to show him that I was more than just his tool. So I ran away to Earth and ended up being taken hostage by the Maganacs and taken to MO-III; they wanted to free the workers who were being held there by the Alliance against their will, they spoke to my father and got his co-operation, but it had nothing to do with me. I told them there was no point holding me hostage since it would have been easy for father to just grow another son to replace me. I told father that too." Quatre lifted his eyes to the false sky of the colony, remembering.  
  
"Rashid told me to have pride in myself, that they were like me too. For the first time I began to believe that my life had value. When they came under attack from the Alliance I convinced them to let me help them, I *needed* to help them, Rashid was hurt too badly to fight in his suit... it was my fault, one of his men had betrayed them to the Alliance and he shot Rashid because I didn't tie him up well enough... but Rashid told them to put me in his mobile suit, and give me his goggles. They let me fight along side them, lead them in the battle...said I was a natural... When the time came for them to get out of there and back to Earth I stayed behind to make sure they all got away and then returned home."  
  
"I met Instructor H that day on the satellite, before the fighting started, and soon after that day he came to L4, somehow he got my father to let him use one of our Winner satellites to build Sandrock, and I helped him. When I went back home for the first time after we all went to Earth, father still couldn't tell me he was proud of me, or that he was happy to see me or even glad that I was okay, that he loved me. And he never did. Instead he criticized me, called me foolish, rebellious and told me to grow up. I just wanted him to tell me he loved me. Why couldn't he have said that much? That was all I wanted." Quatre said sadly. Duo covered one of Quatre's hands with his free hand, Quatre smiled at him gratefully.  
  
"That anger and resentment I felt towards my father and the betrayal I felt at the colony for doing what they did drove me insane Wufei; it drove me to make the most devastating mistakes of my life and lose sight of everything that was important and I ended up hurting Trowa. I don't want you to know what that feels like, to go crazy with grief and anger. Please don't let the same thing happen to you...please come back, talk to us and let us help you." Quatre said, laying his cheek on Wufei's hair.  
  
Something flickered in Wufei's eyes, and Duo caught it, he looked at Quatre with wide eyes. "I think he heard you, I think he's listening." He looked back to Wufei.  
  
"Come on buddy, this isn't like you. You always face things head on you never go the back route. I know it hurts 'Fei, I know what it feels like, I do..." He took a deep breath before continuing.  
  
"I was orphaned before I can remember, I had lived on the streets, stealing food, pick pocketing, trying to stay alive and keep my friends alive. But everyone kept dying, and starving, and they got sick. I lost most of my friends to the virus that swept through the area. Somehow I was spared. I was always spared..." He trailed off a moment, searching Wufei's face he looked for signs that the boy was listening and when found them he continued. "One day I came up with the bright idea of raiding the Alliances warehouse. Pretty dumb huh? But hey I figured we were lucky to be alive as it was, so why not? We all made it out okay, despite them shooting at us, shooting at little kids. We got caught later and we were all sent to the Maxwell Church. They, Father Maxwell and Sister Helen, cleaned me up, fed me, taught me and loved me, and tried to find a new home for me but I kept getting sent back. I loved Father and Sister so it didn't bother me. I guess I didn't want to live with anyone else, they were so important to me. I was happy there. For a while."  
  
"There had been some battles in the area one day, and we took in the wounded rebels, unfortunately the rest of their friends joined them there and began making plans for another attack. Father Maxwell tried to convince them to stop fighting and they hurt him, when Sister Helen tried to get them to stop they started talking about how they could be Alliance spies and maybe they should interrogate them. They kept talking about how if they had mobile suits they could fight the Alliance. So I told them that if I got them a mobile suit, they had to leave the church and leave us alone. They laughed. Sister Helen tried to stop me, but I went anyways and I ran straight through the gate into the base, and they immediately started to shoot at me, I spotted a mobile suit transport truck and before anyone could stop me I climbed in and drove off with it. The whole time I just kept thinking that they shouldn't be fighting and that as long as they did there would be more orphans like me."  
  
"When I got back to the church...there was nothing left." Duo swallowed past the lump in his throat. "The Alliance had attacked the church to get the rebels; there was nothing left but rubble. I jumped out of the truck and tried to find Father Maxwell and Sister Helen, I never found Father Maxwell, but Sister Helen was still alive, though barely. She told me that Father Maxwell had continued to try to convince them to stop fighting right up to the end, and she died a few moments later giving me a blessing. I was the only survivor of a massacre. Everything that meant anything to me was gone." He ignored the tear running down his cheek, unwilling to release his hold on Wufei or Quatre, needing the comfort it gave him. "I stayed there with her and eventually the Alliance picked me up. Know what they did?"  
  
He waited a moment, watching Wufei for a response, but getting none he continued anyways. "They threw me in jail for stealing a mobile suit, I was 8 years old. The guards said I must have made a deal with death to have survived it. Anyways, they kept me there for 2 years before they released me; after that I left the colony, stowing away on ships, did that for a while until I stowed away on a Sweeper ship, that's how I met Professor G, just 3 years ago. Actually they caught me raiding their food supplies. Seems to be a habit for me."  
  
"When I told him my name, he called me Maxwell's Demon, but I told him I was the God of Death. Sister Helen had tried to convince me there was a God, but I just never believed it, I'd never seen a miracle I told them, but I had seen the work of Death, and I believed in *him*. Duo Maxwell isn't really my name though, I didn't have a last name, so I took Father Maxwell's, and I've long since forgotten my real first name."  
  
"How did you come by the name Duo?" Quatre asked quietly.  
  
"A friend of mine was named Solo, he was my best friend and I was always around him, so I called myself Duo. He died when the virus hit L2."  
  
They sat there quietly for a bit, thinking, remembering, and jumped slightly when Wufei spoke suddenly. "I hate war." Wufei whispered so quietly they almost missed it, he didn't move. "War has taken *everything* from me, and I never even wanted to be a soldier. I didn't want to fight, I was a scholar and I didn't think fighting was the answer to finding peace."  
  
Duo and Quatre looked at each other, astonished at what he had revealed and happy that he was talking. "She did though, she *wanted* to go out and fight the Alliance, she even called herself Nataku. She thought I was weak because I didn't want to fight, and I thought she was weak because she did. We were always arguing about it. She was right though, I was...am...weak. I couldn't even protect her. It was my duty as her husband to protect her, and she died over a meaningless battle and a field of flowers."  
  
"Wife?" Duo asked surprised and looked at Quatre who just shook his head, looking as surprised as Duo.  
  
"I buried her in that field, and now it's gone. All of it. Everything that she gave up her life to protect is gone, like it didn't even matter."  
  
"How could they do that?" He moved suddenly, pounding his free hand on the ground. "How could they think that destroying the entire colony would make everything better? All those families, the children... what did they do? Nothing. They did nothing to deserve to die like that and now they're all gone!"  
  
He started to cry and twisted in Quatre's arms, throwing his free arm around the blond and burying his face in the space between his neck and shoulder, Wufei's body shuddering with all the hurt and anger he'd locked up. His pain spilling out, finally released with every hot tear that soaked Quatre's shirt.  
  
Stunned Quatre just looked at Duo for a moment before tightening his arms around Wufei and leaning his cheek on Wufei's hair.  
  
Duo moved in closer, still holding Wufei's hand in one of his own and started rubbing the Asian boys back reassuringly.  
  
None of them spoke for a long time, eventually Wufei's sobs calmed and the Chinese pilot was still. "I have nothing left, I'm all alone now."  
  
Gently, Quatre pushed Wufei back so he could see his face. "No you're not Wufei. You've got us, you've got me, Duo, Heero and Trowa, we'll find him; I know he's alive. You've got all of us Wufei, you will never, be alone."  
  
"Yeah, if you think you can get rid of me easily 'Fei then you've underestimated me. We're a family." Duo informed him with a grin. "Wherever we go, whatever we do, we will always be a family." Duo shivered in the colonies cooler evening temperature.  
  
"It's gotten late, they've turned the temperature down. We should go in." Quatre said, seeing Duo shiver. He rose to his feet, Wufei and Duo, doing the same and they all walked silently back into the safe house.  
  
"I...don't want to be alone tonight." Wufei said quietly as they made their way upstairs, they had bypassed the destroyed living room, neither Duo nor Quatre mentioning it to Wufei.  
  
Duo grinned and announced. "We'll have a sleepover in my room! Grab you're pillows!"  
  
Quatre laughed. "The only reason it's in your room is because you grabbed the room with the biggest bed in it."  
  
"Of course! Big beds are the best for jumping on." Duo retorted.  
  
Wufei smirked and disappeared into his room to get his things, Quatre doing the same. Duo smiled to himself and went into his room, changing into a t- shirt and boxers, then undoing his braid and brushing it out, he'd just got done re-braiding it when the other two boys appeared in his room, each sporting a couple of pillows and having changed their clothes. He chuckled because Quatre was wearing black silk pajama pants, the dark material enhancing his light skin and hair; and Wufei wore white cotton pajama pants with a white undershirt, his attire accenting his bronzed skin and dark hair which was loose around his face.  
  
"What are you laughing at?" Wufei asked suspiciously.  
  
"Oh nothing. Just that you guys remind me of a couple dominoes..." Duo grinned.  
  
Quatre and Wufei looked at each other, glanced at Duo then back to each other and grinned slowly.  
  
"Pillow fight!" Quatre shouted and the two boys pounced on Duo, whacking him with the soft pillows.  
  
"Oof!" Duo got smacked in the face and jumped up onto the queen size bed, grabbing his pillows and started fighting back.  
  
******  
  
Heero walked up to the safe house from the woods nearby where he'd hidden his Gundam and paused outside wondering if Duo was still mad at him and if Wufei was okay. Glancing up, he saw the 3 boys through the window in Duo's room, and realized with a start that they were jumping on Duo's bed and having a pillow fight. He relaxed a bit, they had managed to break through Wufei's shell, and he was all right.  
  
Heero walked into the house and stopped when he entered the living room and heard glass crunch under his shoes. Turning a light on he saw the broken window and the glass littering the floor, then spied the sword lying on the floor amidst the shards. Wufei's sword. Carefully he picked his way through the glass and picked up the weapon, Duo had been right after all. He did know nothing about people. But they could show him, he realized.  
  
Setting the sword in a corner of the room that was untouched by the glass, Heero quickly and efficiently cleaned up the glass from the window before going upstairs.  
  
He paused by the open door of Duo's room and watched the 3 feared Gundam pilots bouncing on the bed, laughing and hitting each other with pillows. He thought he'd gone unnoticed until a pillow flew through the air and smacked him in the face.  
  
"You just going to stand there all night or are you going to join the party?" Duo asked and promptly got knocked over when Quatre and Wufei took the opportunity to double team him.  
  
Heero picked up the pillow that had fallen at his feet, kicked his shoes off and jumped into the fray.  
  
They would be okay because they had each other, and when they found Trowa, they would be complete once more. 


End file.
